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01:22pm 02/12/2009
  I'm kind of in love with the ways things have been going. I am making decisions I'll either be very grateful for or regret very much so--I am hoping it is the former.  
     
trip over me
 
As of late...   
10:27pm 09/11/2009
  Well, let's see. I've spent the last month and a half having a serious headache that haunts me morning to night--I could blame all my nonsensical emotions as of late on that, and I do, for the most part. Woof, with school wrapping up and graduation from college in the near future I'm wholeheartedly feeling I need to be prepared to adapt to some of the decisions and changes that I am going to have to make.

I thought by this point I'd be a lot more comfortable and happy--and by that I just mean a hell of a lot less lonely and dependent. I thought I would have more money saved 5 months prior to my moving to Portland. I thought I would have saved enough for a car, security, and insurance. I have nothing. I keep spending what I have frivolously and not stopping to think that I am gonna be forced to go home if I can't find a house, job, or affordable situation in Portland.

And Portland. I'm not even sure I want to go there anymore. The last time I made a big move I did it alone, and I made it just fine, but it was difficult and continues to be. I have made friends, but all my true support lies in Chicago...my parents, friends who have known me for years, my family. And, today, this year, I feel a lot less confident in myself and I'm realizing my spontaneity has consequences now (unlike when I was 18 moving out of my parents house or 19 and running off to Oregon to "start over"). Portland's only 105 miles away from where I am now, but it will be like I am moving across country again. It'll be my first move where I'm living entirely on my own income (not with the help of my parents seemingly endless pockets), my first move where I am no longer attending school, and my first move where finding a job means being able to live. I can't do it alone. And if I have to I think I am going to move home. I feel more fragile than normal. I dunno if that's an aspect of growing up that I just have yet to encounter, but I don't know that I am ready for it regardless.

There's the prospect that Mike will move with me. But, I've got these expectations in him that I know are a lot to place on someone. He says he wants to move back out to Oregon, but I can't place my decision on the chance that he, the unpredictable guy he is, is gonna be there by my side--and I don't think I can do this without someone close to fall back on. It looks like Chicago land area is about to be my homebase again, and I feel like I've been defeated if it is. I realize I have made it out here for 4 years now--it is my home--but I think if a degree hadn't been holding me down like it is I would have gone running home at least 3 times already--my 1st year here, this summer when I had my heart broken, and now..when I am feeling the most alone I have felt out here. It makes me feel weak to go home after my degree is obtained, but, eh...maybe I'm not as strong as I always thought I was.		  
     
trip over me
 
 
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