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(no subject) [Aug. 26th, 2010|10:17 pm]
 I keep thinking about where I will move next--but I guess it's right time I stayed in one place long enough to make friends I can feel this with again:

"I wake up and it's maybe 5:30 or so in the morning. The three of us are sprawled on top of the bed where we fell asleep. Outside there is only a hint of light, the breathlessness of oleanders and no cooing doves. I smell the warm carbon dioxide of sleep and enclosure.

These creatures here in this room with me--these are the creatures I love and who love me. Together I feel like we are a strange and forbidden garden--I feel so happy I could die. If I could have it thus, I would like this moment to continue forever.

I go back to sleep."

Does anyone still use LJ--cos only two of my friends come up when I look at my 'friends' page...and I can't figure out if it's a glitch or not.
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(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2010|03:12 pm]
 I used to so obsessed with music--and since graduating high school I haven't much moved on from my regular listens. I am stuck in the 90s and early aughts. That is why while checking out jambase I felt like I was in my high school wet dream:

9/11- decemberists
9/28- dirty projectors
9/30- arcade fire
10/7- guided by voices
10/8- eels
10/19- belle and sebastian
10/21- roky erikson
10/27- apples in stereo (!!!)
10/28- of montreal
11/13- built to spill
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2010|10:40 pm]
 What the fuck. High school was, like, the cutest thing ever. Reading back on old entries and feeling super nostalgic. When did I become sucha lazy bum? I'm a snooze lately.
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(no subject) [May. 28th, 2010|10:10 pm]
Long time no post. Well, I moved to Portland. I nixed my plans to move back to Chicago/Elgin to live with my folks and save tons of money on rent, food and living and went for the impromptu move to a big city instead. Things fell into place quite nicely actually, despite being repeatedly admonished by my friends in Eugene for moving away from them. Within a short week of looking I had found a house, job and u-haul which I packed up rather spontaneously (3 hours after waking up and saying, "Okay, I guess I'll move today.") on a Sunday morning and drove to Portland without an ounce of goodbye to friends. It's kinda how I do--and everyone half-expected this. been 

So, I've been in Portland for 12 days now. Since arriving I have:

1.) Maxed out my debit card to the tune of, count it, four $35 overdraft fees (two of which were kindly repealed).
2.) Got wasted in a bar and cried my eyes out yelling, "This is the devil's town!!" when my Eugene friends came to visit.
3.) Have started work at Yumm and will soon be given a managerial position...and benefits!
4.) Have continued training for my triathlon--guts, tears and fears all rolled into one 16 mile bike ride (not to mention a open-water mile swim and 5k run on many bridges...who talked me into this?! Oh, yeah, me.
5) Reached a new level of loneliness.

So to recap living without parent support is new, unexciting and not as easy as I had hoped. Sometimes I really miss my close girl friends and the community I had built during my past 5 years in Eugene. But, only once have I gotten drunk and cried about it--when they came to visit me and made my 1st weekend in Portland super memorable. Work is work and training is harder work. And, well, I want a boyfriend again. Although I have little time for anything between training, work and Bosko I would at least like someone to come home to a couple nights a week. My bed feels lonelier in Portland than it did in Eugene--and it had been empty of a boyfriend for a whole year even in Eugene. I don't have time to even meet boys--nor do I think, pardon the cliche, I am loving myself enough right now to actually handle another person loving me/loving another person. But, I dunno, the lack of friends and community is making my heart beat slower and my head feel lonelier. No time no time. I need more friends--but I feel like I hardly even have time for that! Hopefully I can see my buddies this weekend and cure these blues. Things will be better once our restaurant launches and we are finally open for business (June 1st!)
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(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2009|01:22 pm]
I'm kind of in love with the ways things have been going. I am making decisions I'll either be very grateful for or regret very much so--I am hoping it is the former.
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you are a part of me when you are apart from me [Aug. 26th, 2009|01:03 am]
and if i should travel it's only to unravel the loneliest map that is my mind.
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(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2009|07:31 pm]
Haven't been here in about a month.
Stuff's been overly dramatic or incredibly boring.
I spend my days in school and doing mass amounts of homework; I spend my nights alone, in the company of good friends, or in awkward cahoots or unnecessary intentional run-ins with the ex. We had our post-break-up break up three or so nights ago. I had a pair of socks randomly returned to me today. I do not like your random drop-ins. I shall begin screening my door. Verizon wants to charge me $5 a month to block incoming and outgoing mistakes to a certain number...it almost seems worth $5 at this point.

I am bored off my ass right now. Been studying too long. Been reading books I want to read and which are not assigned to me. This is pleasant. Isolation is not. I'm bored with it. I want Portland. I want a car. I want out.

I got a 3.5GPA this term...brought my sad-excuse for a GPA up. I only cared about love and obtaining love the past year and a half. Now I want to break hearts and make mistakes with someone new. With new friends. I want to start living like a teenager again...stop saving money, going to bed sober, and using m inside voice all the time.

I feel dull--I have no real responsibilities (a lame job and an undergrad degree). I'd rather have no psuedo-responsibilities. I wanna go back to high school summers of 40s, me and 15 close friends in my parents kitchen or back yard, laying on top of knickel knoll and looking at the chicago skyline, having 100 friends who all knew me for more than a couple years, goofy humor and not this sophisticated holier-than-thou humor I feel like my close friends make me live up to.

I'm happy, sure. I better be--I got shit wrong in life. Not because I'm stuck with my friends, no, I enjoy them and I'm happy to have them. But because it was a thought that crossed my mind, and a realization that later crossed my mind as well. One that's neither filled with disappointment or extreme fulfillment. And that's not a bad medium if you ask me.

I like this quote I read in a book today, "I thought these were just my starter friends and the real ones would come along later. But no. These are my real friends. I also imagined friends who adored me. These friends think I'm a drag. I fantasize about starting over and eliminating the film of dragging that hangs over me. [...] I need clean new people who associate me with fun. This is mu number two problem: I am never satisfied with what I have. It goes hand in hand with my number one problem: rushing."

But, really, I liked this one more...and more than a knot in my throat was produced...this time I cried.

"The reality began to seem barren. And in time I realized that if the truth felt empty, then I probably would not be your girlfriend much longer."

The thing is ends are inevitable and so this is why I'm on the prowl for new all the time. New towns, new people, new personality traits to fill some void I've become obsessed with creating. I wonder when this urge ceases and if it does. I'm accustom to it...in fact I'm in favor of it. It keeps things interesting...and it's nice to know this is one of a few times I feel I'll have a  4+ year commitment tying me down for a while. I can go anywhere...and I like this. Because it's easier to end something that hasn't started. Ya dig?
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2009|01:22 pm]
Well, I haven't updated in fourth months. Not much has happened. I broke up with Sam after a year and some odd months...kinda against my will...one of those things that if I didn't do it he never would and I'd just be living in a not-so-harsh-but-definite-hell. But, what...that's kinda what breaking up feels like too. I cannot win. Never had my heart-broken this horribly, but that shit blows over. So they say.

I got two new tattoos since I last updated. This last one I paid a buttload for (well, in my opinion) and it looks like ass. Live and learn. Glad I got it on my arm where it's so fucking visible. Not getting tattooed for a while...unless the buttmunch who fucked it up will try and fix it for free.

My body learned over these past 3 weeks what it feels like to drink to excess for 21 days straight. Needless to say I'm gonna stop drinking. After tonight. Until the weekend. Seeing as I go to Portland and see my better half, Shannon.

I get to graduate next year. I want to get the fuck out of here now that I'm not tied down by a boyfriend who's gonna live and die in Eugene no matter what. I'm thinking Portland, Korea and Egypt. Portland cos I love it. Korea to teach English. Egypt to learn how to scuba dive/free dive and have a shit ton of fun in the ocean (and get over my fear of it.) Start saving now..this shits gonna suck when Mom and Dad stop paying rent.

Life's pretty fucking lame right now. In all honesty. But it's sunny outside and it doesn't suck..it's just lame. And lonely, I think.

"Listen, Robert, goignt o another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that." - Hemmingway's The Sun Also Rises

Smart man that guy.
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(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2009|01:26 pm]
I've heard this town's a one horse town.
And I'm riding it home.
Along side potholes and pedicabs,
vomit filled toes and an endless sky of Zeus' sneeze.
The way you look at me lately,
with eyes deep and dark as the blackest stallion's,
I have to wonder if this is what falling short feels like.
Because I'm riding home.
Through yellow lights and shallow puddles,
busted streetlight roads and an endless sky of Zeus' sneeze
and something's happening.

Feeling confident about certain aspects of life lately, not so confident about others. A balance? Mayhaps, but I would be more inclined to agree if the confidence came where and when I needed it. Aced a test today and a paper...or at least got a really good grade on the test. Wanting summer and a car lately. Wanting road trips and camping under the stars with Sam again. Wanting warm weather and stronger arms. Summer was a great time. It's usually a great time. What a force having someone to share everyday life with can be. Wanting a new location...from the apartment to the town from the town to the country. Want to teach English in a foreign place when I graduate. Wanting change, but comfortable with the firmiliarity.
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Another Pointless Update [Jan. 30th, 2009|10:46 pm]
Oh thank the dickens it's Friday, but at the same time give me another week before Monday starts. Oh, man. School is slowly, but painfully, kicking my ass again. I guess after 5 years of college you really start to feel done with this shit (whether you're truly done or not.) Been thinking a lot about how to apply myself in the real world lately. And application comes in the form of moving to the country, getting a big lot of land, and owning several dozen dogs. Part of me wishes I had studied business so this dream wouldn't seem so, well, dreamlike. That is, I'd know how to open my own business and I could run a dog boarding place on my land, open a bed and breakfast, or a dinner by the river. Instead I got an English major, and really don't trust myself to be dedicated enough to learning or teaching myself how to do anything else. This. These moments in life are the moments I feel really down on myself and wish I was as smart as people think I am or as smart as I want to be. I envy people with passion...hence my complete heart-breaking love for the documentary Man on Wire. I WANT to do a lot of things; I just fall short in the passion to push myself. Turns out I am really that lazy.

I really want to move out of Eugene, but by that I mean like 40 miles out..to the country. To somewhere like Triangle Lake or Blue RIver or further. I'm getting this nesting feeling in my blood that I can't seem to kick. I even brought up these ideas to Sam. About moving out of town and into the country. We're both graduating soon. It wouldn't be all that bad. It's just, well, there is no job market out there. And as far as elementary teaching goes, something I've been contemplating doing, the school's out there teach creationism. And, well, I'm just not into that.

On some lighter notes, I am kinda done being sick. Which is awesome. Flu led into uti turned into kidney infection. I pretty much thought death had taken over my body by Tuesday night as Sam held me while I cried in a ball unable to move because of kidney pain...but then, like magic, it disappeared (read: magic = antibiotics.)

This week, well the past two days, I have spent more money than I have all month. Although that kinda sucks I now have a new (working) digital camera in the mail, a fridge and cabinets full of fresh food, and a buncha little shit from Target I didn't actually need.

On a final note I haven't smoked a cigarette in 2 weeks and pretty much don't plan on smoking regularly ever again. By this I mean I will probably smoke on those random drunken nights and bi-annual trips to Chicago, but I'm fairly confident I'm done smoking. So that rocks. Also, I had no idea how easy running was until I started running everyday this week and not having any trouble breathing at all. In the words of Denise McCarthy: Dear fresh lungs, I wuv you. Love, Kerry.
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